I Had a Specific Thought To Address… But now I’m Rambling About Life

Hello everyone, and happy Friday! I hope you made it through the week okay!

Also, the quote in my featured image here is from ,Said the Shotgun to the Head. by Saul Williams. It’s one of my favorite quotes from the collection, and I think it’s pretty relevant to what I want to chat about today.

Basically, I’ve been thinking about life a lot, as of late. What my life has been so far, what I’ve been doing to improve my life and make myself happier etc. etc.

Earlier this week, I was on YouTube, messing around as usual, when I came upon a video created by Evelyn From The Internets titled “The Most Basic Birthday GRWM You’ve Ever Seen 🎂 👶🏿”. In this video, she mentions how in her late 20’s, she realized how life isn’t just going to give you experiences, you have to intentionally go out and seek these life experiences. This was a very brief point in her video, but it stuck with me the most, because I noticed how passively I was living my life. Most of the time, I would just let things happen to me, and not necessarily pursue experiences I was interested in. There were times when I would actually pursue things, and it made me so happy, making the decision to do something simply because I wanted to, and following through with it. However, as I’ve been getting older, I’ve realized it’s something I have been doing less of, especially after graduating from college. It made me realize how if I want anything in life really, I have to be the one to go after it.

I know, that sounds stupid and obvious, but hear me out here.

In school, we are put in an environment where we meet other people, whether we want to or not. It was easier to join clubs, or find hobbies you were interested in, as it’s encouraged in a school setting (especially if it looks good on a college app). Once you graduate and get a job, though, where do you find a similar kind of setting? What (or who) is telling you to try a new hobby, just for the sake of it, not necessarily to make money or to become an expert? Who is telling you to make new friends, fall in love and travel the world? Where are you going to meet all these people to have these experiences with?

I’ve seen a few people around my age complain about how hard it is to make friends or just meet new people after leaving school, and honestly I kind of agree. It can be really difficult to find people who you want to actually hang out with, especially if you don’t actively go out and find places to meet people. You can try befriending your coworkers, but depending on where you work, this may not always be a great option. At this point in life, the main person who plays a part in whether or not you meet new people, or experience new things, is you. For me personally, after graduating college and moving back home, I wasn’t doing much outside of working. None of my friends that I kept in touched with lived back home at the time, and I didn’t have any hobbies besides reading (which I love reading, but at a certain point, there’s only so much reading you can do).

So, I started figuring out what else I wanted to do with my life, besides work. I picked up writing again, I was saying yes to more experiences, made quite a few mistakes, and kept putting myself out there a bit more. I changed jobs a few times, and finally found a job where I can perfectly balance working towards my future career goals, and still be earning money so I can move out on my own.

Then the pandemic hit.

I was furloughed from my job, and for the most part, it seems as though life is being put on hold, because no one knows what the future will hold. For the most part, I haven’t left my house, because there really is no reason for me to, and this has put me in a weird… place I guess is the best word. Time is still moving forward, life is still happening, but I feel as though I’m at a standstill, unable to move forward, or anywhere really.

It’s made me re-evaluate my goals, and how can I keep having new life experiences, without putting my family in danger. I’ve found ways to keep having new experiences, learning from them, and continue to grow, while not putting safety on the back burner. I joined a virtual book club through my university, I kept up with my therapy appointments, I’m pursuing a career as a freelance writer, I’ve been working more on maintaining a workout routine and I’m dedicating more time to this blog.

And you want to know what the crazy thing is?

I still find it so easy to sit back and say, “Wow, I haven’t really done anything with my life this year.”

Why is that? Why am I pushing aside all these things I know I’m actively working on, and say I’m not doing anything?

Because… I’m not treating myself the way I deserve to be treated. Not just that, but I know that I am worthy of treating myself right, despite of mistakes I made in the past, or people I hurt. At the end of the day, because I didn’t know how to be nice and kind to myself, it made it easier for me to lash out and hurt those who I care about.

I’m fortunate enough to be able to go to therapy, and recognize I need to do it, at least for right now. Looking back on my life, I can now see a bit better how things I’ve internalized and experienced have hurt me, and rather than trying to process and heal, I would be negative towards myself. I embraced negativity to the point I didn’t even realize that’s what I was doing. As a result, I hurt people I cared about, because I was hurting myself, in a way. After all, there’s a reason why the saying, “Hurt people, hurt people”… it’s because it’s true.

Now that I’ve taken the time to actually process these things that I’ve internalized, and have actively been working on re framing my thinking, I feel more of a change in myself. Obviously, I’m not perfect, and I still have my moments, but I noticed a shift in my everyday behavior. For once, I took the time to work on myself, I told myself that I wanted to be different, and I wanted to be better, and I did what I needed to do to fix it. I also want to say, because of these experiences I’ve had, because of this pain I’ve dealt with, I’ve tried to make sure I don’t hurt other people in the same way I’ve been hurt. Along with my pain causing me to not always do the right thing, it’s also, in a way, helped lead me to do the right thing in other situations. People are multifaceted, and there is more than just “good person” and “bad person”. There’s so much grey in between, because we as humans are complicated, and therefore have a tendency to make life complicated.

Through all of this, I noticed how much my own negative self talk was ingrained in me (I know, my therapist is going to be so happy hearing me say that… or write it down I guess). I had grown so used to being negative towards myself, that I tricked myself into thinking that it was reality. Are there bad things happening in the world right now?

Hell yeah there is.

But, it’s also important to remember, there are many good things happening in conjunction with these bad things, even if it’s hard to see right now. The current state of affairs, and maybe even what’s happening in your life right now, may seem overwhelming and as though they will swallow you whole without a second thought. So what should you do? How can things get better?

We need to accept the fact that life is full of good and bad things, and even though we can’t fix everything wrong with the world, we can still do our part. However, if you don’t take care of yourself, it’ll be that much harder to do your part, whatever that maybe. So, take a step back and breathe. Step away from social media. Step away from the news. Remind yourself of all the good things in the world, that make taking on the bad things worth it in the end. That’s the best advice I can give, considering the fact I’m not a licensed therapist, psychologist, life coach or anything like that, I’m simply someone who has thought about life and likes to share my thoughts.

Now you may be asking, “What’s the main takeaway from this whole post?”

Life is one of those things where it seems like no matter what you do, you won’t get it right. We all have insecurities, whether big or small, that make us think we’re not as good as other people. All of us have been hurt, and have hurt other people because of it. Life is messy, but this is our life, and now is the time to really think about what you want to make of it. Whether it’s on a personal note, a political note, or on a global scale, we are on the brink of change, and we have more say in whether it’s a good change or a bad one.

---

If you read through this long, ramble filled post, thank you! I know there was quite a bit to read (and let’s be honest, I was probably jumping from one thought to the next), but ya know, this is my blog and I’ll jump from one thought to the next if I want to 😂 You’ll just have the fun job of trying to keep up and make sense of it!

Anyways, thanks again for reading, and I hope y’all have a good weekend! See ya next Monday with a new post!

-Erin(:

While you’re already here, why not check these links out?

Updated carrd of global issues : https://allcards.carrd.co/

In case you aren’t familiar with what is happening in Mexico right now: https://helpmexico.carrd.co/

https://lebanonscrisis.carrd.co/

https://polandlgbt.carrd.co/

https://blacklivesmatters.carrd.co/

https://yemencrisis.carrd.co/

---

Medium: https://medium.com/@erin.nord87

Twitter: @ENordhof

Prose: https://theprose.com/ennord